The 95th Academy Awards ceremony disappointed martial arts fans

2 mins read
Three Oscar statuettes
Academy Award of Merit, the statuette is better known by its nickname, Oscar

A draft of Jimmy Kimmel’s Opening speech for the Oscars ceremony was leaked, it did not pass censorship.


Welcome speech {{DRAFT: v45.2}}

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Oscars party! This year we wanted to offer you something new and exciting!

Who said that awarding for film is all that can be at the Oscars? We want to show you that true intensity and emotional richness can be achieved in other forms of art! And as evidence of this, let's remember last year's Oscars, when Chris Rock, the host, like me today, got slapped by Will Smith!

So, regardless of any consequences for myself, I am not afraid of them, I present to you the Oscars Slap Fighting Championship! A Championship where the best actors will settle their scores not only with words, but also with face slaps! Someone might say that it's cruel or violent, but we are confident that there is something magical about it that can lift everyone's mood!

So let's not wait to find out who will be the first champion of the Oscars Slap Fighting Championship! Get ready for an exciting spectacle and enjoy the evening!

However, according to our insider information, everything went according to a different script at the last minute. This year, despite predictions and high bets by bookmakers, no one gave anyone a slap. Maybe someone put their hands in someone else’s pants without permission and got a slap, who knows? But without Harvey at the ceremony, the chances were significantly reduced. Nevertheless, many viewers were disappointed that they did not see the show they were hoping for.


“To be honest, I expected more. I was preparing for the Oscars ceremony for several weeks, but what did I see? Disputes, verbal wars, and the absence of even a slight scuffle. I was ready for an exciting show that would leave me in awe, but unfortunately, it did not happen. It was boring, uninteresting, and disappointing for me and many other viewers. I hope next year will be better.”

Steve Lawrence, 43, plumber
Slap Fighting Championship
Slap Fighting Championship, the source is unknown

“Yes, the absence of slap fighting was very disappointing to me. I did not expect such a ceremony. But nevertheless, I am glad to see movie stars on the TV screen. Especially the ladies! They are so tanned, so rosy-cheeked, always in a good mood, always on the move, what do they smoke and eat for such acceleration? Maybe they would treat me too?”

Kevin Peters, 30, pizza delivery man

Our correspondent managed to take a short interview with Jimmy after the end of the Academy Awards ceremony. We asked about slap fighting, but he dodged the question:

“I hope it was an unforgettable night for many, full of humor and impressions that will stay in the memory of viewers for a long time. Thanks to everyone who worked on creating this grand event, and now excuse me, I have a few options in mind and no one has taken yet. I don’t want to go home alone if you know what I mean.”

Jimmy Kimmel, Oscars 2023 host

Oh yes, Jimmy, we all know what you mean! 😗

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